Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nargledirk
by redhead evans
Summary: spoof on the rumored title of HP7. A mysterious chocolate frog card sparks a quest to figure out what the Mystic Kettle of Nargledirk is and what it does.


Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

No one in his or her right mind could call Draco Malfoy exceptionally bright. He did of course get top marks, no thanks to countless prodding from his parents and his goons for stealing the answers for him, but still couldn't manage to get above the mudblood. Naturally this was quite frustrating, being a pureblood and infinitely superior to most others. As if his inability to beat Granger for top of the class wasn't vexing enough he was constantly plagued by Harry Potter who, despite being famous, was not a pureblood and therefore not fit to lick a Malfoy's boots. When Ronald Weasley was added into the mix it made the very bane of his existence a trio. Also a pureblood, Ron was a Gryffindor and a blood traitor, hanging out with Potty and the scum of the Earth, as did his parents, and therefore intentionally dirtying the good pureblood name with mudbloods. That anybody could do that to their fellow purebloods let alone fail his family was enough to make him vomit. The atrocities of Ron's crimes made Malfoy desperate to prove himself better than Weasel and the scum he hung out with.

As any ambitious Slytherin would he had always tried to achieve this by taunting remarks and provoking statements designed to get the trio in trouble all the while working in the shadows to sabotage them in any way, shape or form. In fact, his six-going-on-seven years at Hogwarts were proving to be the most work Malfoy had ever had to do in his life, not for the academics either. It was only natural that when Potter's triumphant yell, one that echoed the entire Hall, interrupted his pleasant chat with Blaise Zambini about how many girls they had shagged over the summer, he was too curious to pay much attention to Zambini afterwards. Carefully maintaining the façade that he was listening and trying not to rubberneck too much he inserted one ear into the conversation that Potter wasn't trying to hard to keep quiet. As luck would have it Potter had an unheard of Chocolate Frog Card, a Sir Nackle of the Dirk, and Malfoy was determined to get one just like it, or that exact one, he wasn't going to be too fussy.

Harry laughed as Ron continued to grumble about the 'Boy-Who-Lived' and his luck. He had already offered his friend the card, having had it shoved back into his hand with such speed Harry barely saw it, and was coming to the conclusion that Ron just liked to whine. Hermione was walking beside them, not very straight or fast mind, trying to memorize the information on the back, having never heard of Sir Nackle of the Dirk before and quite eager to learn. Her eye caught the text at the bottom, previously unnoticed and separated from the rest of the biography, recognizing it immediately as a spell of some sort. She quickly pulled the others aside, relating her find and all gung-ho to try it at that very instant when the bell signaled the beginning of class. Late for Transfiguration, the trio hurried off wondering what use the incantation could possibly have.

Later that night found the trio in an abandoned corridor, one wand lit and the Marauder's Map spread open on the floor between them. It had been decided that Ron would try the incantation as the brave volunteer from the audience and he was so excited and nervous that he was inches away from pissing his pants.

"_Hic kettle ut ego vires crustulum meus pectus pectoris votum."_

They all looked around expectantly, waiting for the sparkly lights, flashes, booms, bangs, and other Weasley twin worthy sights and sounds. A moment passed, then two and Ron started to turn a bright fuscia and shoved his wand hurriedly up his sleeve. Harry half turned, thinking he had heard his Firebolt coming on the winds of a summoning charm. Passing it off as mind games he didn't turn around, and was hit in the back of the head moments later by a large black kettle to the loud sniggers from Ron and the wide grin from Hermione. Musing that he was thankful he hadn't turned, the kettle would have hit him full on, while rubbing the back of his head he tried to level a glare at his friends. By the looks of things it wasn't working so he turned to study the kettle. What had appeared to be a plain black surface was really lettered in an elegant gold script, stating its name proudly for all to read. After about an hours worth of poking, prodding, hexing, jinxing, and charming its name was about all that could be discovered about it. _The Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk_- something that even Hermione had never read about before. Deciding to sleep on it and try again tomorrow they Disillusioned it and put it in a corner away from the hustle and bustle of a school day and headed towards the dorms.

Draco materialized from the shadows, throwing his invisibility cloak over his shoulders, and revealing the kettle for his examination. He tried the same tests the trio had, certain they couldn't have done them right, even going so far as to add in some darker ones. When nothing worked he kicked it, cursed loudly and fluently, disillusioned it once more and headed off to bed absolutely furious.

What seemed like ages had passed since the discovery of the mysterious Chocolate Frog Card and the kettle it had summoned to them. Despite the large amount of time allotted nothing more had been discovered, even with the library's help. In fact, the secret would be revealed through a complete accident, not through careful and thorough research.

The problem solving session was right after classes ended, leaving Ron hungry. An hour and three apples later they picked up their stuff and left, having found nothing. Ron realized that he had three apple cores in his hand, knowing Hermione would yell for making the house elves do work he dropped behind and casually tossed them over his shoulder before continuing towards dinner, and more importantly, desert. Two cores missed but the third hit the inside of the disillusioned kettle with a large clang, causing all three to spin around. Harry looked inside and found, not the apple core he was expecting, but a large apple pie. No one could explain the phenomenon but were ready to test it after dinner. They started down the corridor again, apple pie in hand, when Draco Malfoy came tearing down the corridor, wand drawn. Thinking it was an attack Hermione whipped her wand out and levitated him up in the air, his momentum carrying him towards the group. Realizing it wasn't an attack, just an odd occurrence she stopped the spell, not really caring about the landing. Unfortunately for Draco, his momentum carried him over her shoulder and head first into the kettle. Upon further inspection it became apparent that his entry into the kettle had turned him instantly into ferret fondue. The cogs in Hermione's head were working through Ron's loud guffaws, enabling her to come up with a solution so they raced to the library to double check.

As it turns out for Malfoy, Mrs. Norris likes the taste of ferrets and particularly enjoyed the fondue that she poured all over the corridor after running into it. When the house elves showed up on the scene fairly little of it was left; they cleaned the floor and moved on to better, and dirtier, places.

Hermione's latest trip to the library proved fruitful. She found a thin, worn volume regarding Sir Nackle tucked away in a forgotten corner. As it turned out Sir Nackle was a round little wizard who was very fond of food. Old Nackle loved all sorts of food from all over the world. Nackle was known to travel to his mother's house in Bulgaria for her eggs and bacon, France for escargot and a baguette, Mexico for fresh tortillas and salsa, Italy for pasta and wine, and then back home for his wife's famous chocolate mousse all in one day. Now all this foreign food was rather pricy, and although Nackle was a man of means, even he slowly began to realize that he would go poor if he didn't rid himself of this food fetish.

That's when Nackle came up with his brilliant idea: a magical kettle that would make whatever food the user was wishing for at the time. After several years of hard labor, the kettle was complete. Sir Nackle became famous. Witches and wizards traveled from all over the world to test the mystic kettle. All were amazed when the kettle produced exactly what their stomach desired.

Unfortunately Nackle's rival, Sir Dudley the Brave (a name that earned a rather large snort from Harry), heard about this kettle and became intent on making it his own. Sir Dudley schemed and plotted, and finally decided that perhaps a hostage would be the most effective way of making Nackle crack.

Late the next evening, Sir Dudley (or as his mother fondly called him, Sir Dumpling) stealthily crept into Sir Nackle's castle and kidnapped his one and only daughter, the fair Gwendolyn of the Rose. Sir Nackle was much grieved and was resolved to surrender the much-coveted kettle. Just then a young hero by the name of Gryffindor visited Sir Nackle. He promised the safe return of the fair Gwendolyn in exchange for her hand in marriage. Nackle agreed and after a quick battle with Dudley (to this day no one knows how brave Gryffindor made him surrender so quickly), Nackle and his daughter were reunited.

In the end Sir Nackle couldn't bear to part with his daughter and in Gryffindor's opinion she wasn't so fair anyway. Instead old Nackle gave Gryffindor the very mystic kettle that had caused all this trouble to begin with. Everyone was happy except Gryffindor who had to increase his normal work out routine due to all the extra weight he gained from eating the food the kettle produced.

So that was it. All that this mystical kettle was capable of doing was conjuring food based on the ingredient dropped into it and your craving at the time. Ron's wish for dessert and the apple core had yielded apple pie and the encounter with a ferret and want of dinner created fondue of the ferrety type. It made sense but Hermione was not satisfied.

The three friends went back to the common room, the boys entirely content with what they had learned, but Hermione was convinced that there was more. After some pondering she realized that this could be one of Voldemort's horocruxes. Here was something that had belonged to Gryffindor and no one would ever suspect a thing. She quickly shared her idea with Harry and Ron who became just as excited as she was.

Just then something told Hermione to look once more at the volume they had borrowed from the library. On the last page Hermione noticed an oddly specific note written in microscopic print at the bottom. The note's contents only brought a veil of disappointment to Hermione, and she wordlessly shoved the book at Harry and Ron. Harry and Ron peered at the miniscule font and became equally discouraged. The note read as follows:

"Sir Nackle of the Dirk was a very suspicious and proud little wizard. He was intent that others should not dirty anything he created. Therefore the Mystic Kettle is unalterable and especially cannot be made into a horocrux."

Ron, being less tactful then the others, bluntly voiced what all three of them had been thinking.

"Well that was a bloody rip off."


End file.
